Welcome to the most modern book review on this list to date.  Published in January 2023, I pre-ordered this book many months before it was available. Silly me, I thought I could just click and read. “No Mr Cheely”, the Amazon Goddesses were telling me, “The hour has not yet come.”

I finished it sometime in March I believe. Since I had to wait to read it, then certainly it’s understandable that I waited before I wrote about it. Likewise, surely it’s excusable that I am making my readers wait for this review.  (yeah yeah, “Don’t call me Shirley, I get it.)

For the several months I waited, I wondered about this book.  I had seen the advertisements. I read the hype. But I don’t seem to recall receiving any clues as to just what in the heck this book was all about.

When confronted with a title like “How to Sell a Haunted House,” the human brain conjures several guesses as to the subject.. At least mine did. I think it’s a human brain that I have lodged somewhere in my cranium. At least I hope so anyway.  Here are a couple of speculations that ugly looking thing in my head had created. 

A book like this could be intended as a serious instructional manual. By this I mean it might be a non-fictional, real estate advice book targeting sellers that just aren’t able to fully cleanse their house before going on the market. Old fashioned elbow grease might be just the thing to scrub the walls, but no amount of work or chemical solution is able to rid the house of the ghostly remains of dear Aunt Ella and Uncle Seymour. Therefore, this book was written to teach readers how to list a haunted house, what to reveal to prospective customers and what not to disclose. It answers that aged-old question, “Are there any legal issues when selling a haunted house?”

Or, this book is a comedic fictional misadventure of some hopeful couple trying to sell while leaving their dear old bat of a mother-in-law behind. “Mrs. Realtor, if you are having an open house on the last Saturday of the month, please oh please do not show prospective buyers the wine cellar!  Dear old mom would get her social security check around that time, the amount was never enough, and she would drink in despair in the cellar. Being dead hasn’t stopped this ritual. She’ll throw empty bottles at anyone who enters.”  Or, “Don’t show them the upstairs bathroom. Mom is a prankster and she likes to jump up out of the toilet and say “Boo!”

As it turns out, Hendrix’s book does not resemble the two scenarios I presented to you. Nor is it about several other half-concocted synopses I had floating around in my head. It’s about creepy dolls that watch the living. It’s about sinister puppets that possess the living. It’s about taxidermied squirrels that break free from their frozen states to join the living.It’s also about imaginary creatures escaping from the prison of someone’s imagination and breaking into reality.

I didn’t see any of this coming. Well, actually I did. Not long before the publishing date, more of the plot was revealed and dolls were mentioned.  But in the beginning, I wouldn’t have guessed. I knew nothing. NOTHING!

I won’t give too much away about the plot. An estranged brother and sister are forced to reunite after the sudden, tragic death of their parents. They must put aside past differences to settle important, financial matters. To sell their parents house or not to sell, that is the question. This dilemma proves challenging as brother and sister can’t seem to see eye-to-eye on anything. It doesn’t help matters any that certain pieces of their mother’s doll and puppet collection start coming to life to screw with the living. 

Possessed dolls and puppets. That’s all scary and freaky and stuff, but can such abnormal antics meet the criteria for what makes up a haunted house story. I mean, the movie Child’s Play features a doll named “Chuckie” that likes to kill people. He does so, I believe, in a house. Or was it an apartment?  Who cares, the point is this question: “s Child’s Play a haunted house movie? No it is not. Neither would be the third story in Karen Black’s The Trilogy of Terror, a made for TV movie where an African fetish doll chases poor Karen Black around her apartment while trying to knife her to death.

Ahh, but How to Sell a Haunted House can be considered a haunted house novel. First of all, the author says it is in the title of his book. That helps the cause. How can the author be wrong?

Second, in true gothic fashion, there are family secrets and an unveiling mystery to lead the reader along. Third, there are rooms, an attic and garage, described in detail. Something is hidden in the yard. These places are destined to host disturbing situations. Finally, for those bent on the need for a haunted house story to have a ghost, this book accommodates, but maybe not in a way the reader expects. 

How to Sell a Haunted House is an intriguing book with several quirky characters to add flavor to the story. Kudos to author Gary Hendrix!  This is the second time I’m reviewing a book by this author. The other review was about his book Paperbacks from Hell: The Twisted History of ‘70s and ‘80s Horror Fiction. 

I found him on Facebook and sent a friend request. But he must have been so overwhelmed at receiving such a request from me, that he is still stewing over it, fearful of making this connection. He needs time to emotionally prepare for this milestone.  I understand, Mr. Hendrix.  Take your time and I’ll continue to see you in the books!

This year we lost a renowned horror author.  R.I.P. Peter Straub. He left us on Sept 4, 2022.  Not only did he pass away on my wedding anniversary but we share the same birthday – March 2.  Does this mean we are cosmically linked in some way? Most likely not.  I don’t put too much credence in cosmic/spiritual mumbo jumbo. I do like to read and write about it, that’s for sure, but I see it for what it is – fiction, not fact.   Straub certainly has left the world some compelling fiction, that’s for sure. And like any author, he also left us some fiction that is in the upper realms of the “OK” rating scale.  This is where Lost Boy, Lost Girl sits at. Is there an OK + grade?  There is now.

I suppose his most celebrated works are Ghost Story and The Talisman, with the latter being co-authored by Stephen King.  I read the former, loved it; haven’t attempted the latter.  My review of Ghost Story is not without some minor criticism.  In the review, I suggest:

At times during my reading, I found myself lost in the tangled trails of plot. Yes, these trails do untangle and eventually lead you where you want to go, but still, it was a tedious experience at times.

I wrote this review in 2016 – six years ago. What I said remains true. However, there is something about Ghost Story that has stuck with me all this time.  I’m not good at remembering the details of a story I read some time ago, including its characters (especially not their names.)  Likewise with Ghost Story. Specific details are lost but there is a feeling that remains. That’s the best way I can describe it.  A small town, a snowy atmosphere, several haunted houses, mystery, all in the meaty book; thoroughly presented and forever imprinted within my soul.   Thus, my liking of this book has increased over time.

As mentioned, I never read The Talisman. My understand is that while this is a critically acclaimed novel, a reader, like a traveler, must prepare for a lengthy journey before beginning such an adventure. Since this is a blog dedicated to haunted houses, I haven’t been in a hurry to dive into this book. But I do read books, both horror and non-horror, that have nothing to do with haunted houses.  So read this I will someday and I’m sure I will at least like it more that I will dislike it.

I wish I could say more about Peter Straub’s work. As it stands, I have only read three of his novels. Besides Ghost Story, I read Julia and Lost Boy, Lost Girl, two haunted house novels.  Neither are as good as Ghost Story.

Julia is another book I place in the “Ok” department. While delightfully creepy, I found it quite vague in its telling. This was Straub’s first venture into the supernatural and I equate it to a “practice book”, a preparatory exercise that would allow him to strengthen his telling of supernatural tales, as evidenced by his later work Ghost Story

I wrote this in a review:

To me, Julia is the “practice novel;” an exercise Straub must perform while on the way toward the masterpiece that is Ghost Story. Straub learns from his early works. The fruits of his creative and mechanical maturity bear out symbolically, from the ghost of a young girl (in Julia) to the ghost of a fully grown woman (In Ghost Story). This time, Straub’s vagueness add to the overall eeriness of the story.

Now – on with my review of Lost Boy, Lost Girl.  I also recommend this book lukewarmly, but for different reasons.  It’s a decent story overall.  A simple story with only a handful of characters. Good characters, mind you.  Most of the plot is straightforward. It doesn’t meander and his points are relatively clear.  However, more story-telling is needed in regards to my favorite subject – the haunted house. Now you might be thinking, “Well Cheely, just because that’s your thing, it doesn’t have to be at the heart of the story just to please you. Who are you, Cheely, that Straub must write according to your preferences?”  Reader, I’ll get to your critique of my critique.  You’ll see.

The plot unfolds from the perspectives of two characters; the middle-aged writer Timothy Underhill and his teenaged nephew Mark.  Timothy visits his brother Phillip, who lives in another state, on two occasions, both of which are under sad and tragic circumstances. First, he arrives to attend the funeral services of Phillip’s wife/Mark’s mother Nancy who died by suicide. A short while later, Timothy returns to assist Phillip in trying to find Mark, who has gone missing. Other teens had gone missing and there is a suspicion that a serial killer is striking terror in the community. Could Mark have been a victim of this killer? Is his mother’s suicide related to his disappearance?  For you see, as it turns out. Nancy is related to a serial killer who was captured some time ago. This killer’s house still stands, though no one will have anything to do with it. It’s just down the alley from Phillip and Mark’s house. Yes readers, this be the haunted house of the novel.

Mark’s perspective has him with his buddy Jimbo frittering the days away on their skateboard; two carefree teens. That is until he finds his mother’s body. He suspects there is a link to her suicidal demise and the strange things he has been seeing. In various places, he has encountered a phantom shadowy figure. What peaks Marks attention most, though, is the abandoned house down the alley. A giant wall surrounding the premise hides most of it. Why is this wall necessary?  Both boys note an awkwardly built and oddly shaped extension which they correctly surmise was added on to the house by the previous owners. Their assumptions our correct, but why this extension?  The boys see people in the windows, though this place is supposed to be abandoned. What’s up with that?

Suddenly and somewhat mysteriously, Mark becomes obsessed with the house. No longer does he want to “fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way” with his buddy Jimbo. He wants to watch the house. He wants to research the house. He wants to explore the house. And he does!

Sounds like an interesting story, right? Well it is.  Inside, he finds secret passages. He finds mysterious photographs. He encounters torture devices!  And yet, in my opinion, the atmosphere of the inside of the house isn’t fleshed out enough. There is all this build up throughout the first half of the novel, before the boys brave their way inside.  Though the house reveals secrets to them, their journeys inside are a bit of a letdown.  What is the overall atmosphere like inside? Straub doesn’t detail this very much. Do they hear ghostly sounds coming from the dark corners of the rooms? Not really.  Is there any backstory with scenes inside its rooms? Some but not much.  Does the house itself do its job to scare the reader? I would have to say “no.”

If there wasn’t a lot of suspense centered on the house, I wouldn’t complain so much. But there was and so I complain. Yes there are supernatural things at work in this story, but not in the way that is expected. Not in a way that is satisfying.

Straub wrote a sequel to this book called “In the Night Room”. I haven’t read it.  According to Wikipedia:

“The novel follows Timothy Underhill, an author. He is still struggling to come to terms with the loss of his sister April and Timothy tries to channel his sorrow and frustrations into a new novel he is writing”.

Hmmm. I don’t remember anything about Timothy and Phillip having a sister. The way the story in Lost Boy, Lost Girl flows, it seems as if they were the only two siblings. So I really don’t know how much continuity is preserved between the two books.

So, based on my limited knowledge of Peter Straub’s bibliography, Ghost Story is his best. I’m anxious to read The Talisman.  I know,  I know, earlier I said I’ll get to it whenever. Perhaps my interest has piqued a bit since beginning this article. Will you allow me that? Of course you will.

How about you, reader? Can you recommend a Peter Straub book that is on par with Ghost Story?

And to you, Peter Straub, rest in peace. I won’t wish you to rest in power which seems to be a thing now. After passing through this earthly life, I believe one is mercifully freed of this concept of power.  Power certainly can’t be restful, and the dearly departed need to rest. They have earned it. Peace is the better way experience the afterlife.

All that’s here is – Halloween Ha ha’s (clap clap!)

Halloween Boo Boo’s! (clap clap!)

Haunted House Ha Ha’s

I saved the best for last! What better way to wrap up the Halloween Haunted House Ha Ha’s than with The Three Stooges?  Now now, I know some readers out there be like, “Really?  These guys?”  To youze guyz and galz, I unequivocally and proudly declare “YES. These guys! They are the best!” 

The Three Stooges, some love them, some hate them.  I love them. As I mentioned in a post at the beginning of this month, these three gentlemen of above average intelligence are partly responsible for my love of horror. When I was a kid, Moe, Larry and Curly or Shemp were on television every weekday afternoon. They had several spooky episodes. These were my favorites!

For your viewing pleasure, until Youtube removes them (if this is the case at this time, I’m sorry), I have gathered several, if not all the episodes which I think qualify as “haunted house” shorts.  There are many more spooky episodes out there, but this being a haunted house blog, I am only featuring the shorts that take place in some kind of mansion, castle, or house where weird or spooky things are going on.  There are some episodes that feature a killer or two chasing the Stooges around in some kind of house that are not part of this collection. While they might be enjoyable, they fall short of meeting my “haunted house worthy” standards. (I’m a haunted house snob damn it!)

I’m not going to bother describing The Three Stooges or analyze their style of humor. If you really unfamiliar with these comedians from the days of long ago, then gosh, I don’t know what to say! Nor will I will be “reviewing” these episodes either, not in a critical sense anyway.  I will simply write up a little something about each episode. Brief plot descriptions, some trivia, shit like that!  And then, I will post the Youtube links to the  specific shorts that I am writing about (until they are taken down).

Ready? Here we go!!!!!!!!

 

(The first two episodes I present feature Curly as the third stooge)

Spook Louder – Short #69 – 1943

Plot in short:

 In this creepy tale, The Stooges are tasked with watching over a creepy house while guarding top-secret inventions. The Stooges have their work cut out for them. They must outsmart three thieving spies that are trespassing on the premises and keep their cool in the midst of all sorts of spooky shenanigans. If all this isn’t bad enough, all parties in this house, spies and Stooges, must deal with a phantom pie thrower.

My observations:

If you are to only watch one thing from this short film, go to the 4:30 mark. There is a creepy clock on the wall that you MUST see. It’s a scene of a supposedly Russian clock, in the shape of a weird looking caricature of someone, and it speaks. It says “Yo…ho….ho…..ho!”

The three spies dress in costume. One dresses in black and wears a black hat, another dresses as a devil,  another as a skeleton. In a later episode, these same three costumes are used are worn by another trio of Stooge antagonists. More on this later.

If a Body Meets a Body – Short # 86  – 1945

 Plot in short:

Curly is due to inherit a fortune from a rich, deceased uncle.  To collect, the Three Stooges must be present at the reading of the will, which is to take place in the late of night at the late Uncle’s spooky mansion. There will be murders. Possibly even ghosts!

Trivia via Wikipedia

This is the first film to star Curly after he suffered a stroke. It is noted that he is less energetic than in his previous films.

The plot device is borrowed from a Laurel and Hardy film The Laurel-Hardy Murder Case, The Laurel and Hardy film is a spoof on the 1927 film “The Cat and the Canary”

My observations:

In this film, a bird enters a skull and wears it like a shell. Bird walks around with it, scaring The Stooges into thinking it’s an animated skull. This comedic device of a flying creature manipulating a skull is repeated several times in different films. In fact, it appears in a couple more films featured here in this piece!  

There is a rotating book case which leads to a secret room. This is also a reoccurring plot device featured in several of their films, not to mention being featured in other films that have nothing to do with The Three Stooges. A rotating book case in other films? Shocking!

 

(The remaining episodes feature Shemp as the third stooge. With one exception. You’ll see!)

 

Hot Scots  – Short# 108  – 1948

Plot in short:

The Three Stooges answer an employment ad for The Scotland Yard. The ad seeks three “yard men” and the Stooges think they are applying for the positions of inspectors. Instead, they end up picking up trash in the yard. (Get it, “yard” men? Yuk Yuk!)

But the Stooges get their chance when they happen upon a piece of trash that was actually a request for three inspectors to guard a Duke’s precious antiques at his castle. The Duke leaves, The Stooges guard and the thieves come out to play, dressed in scary costumes.

Trivia via Wikipedia

This short was later remade as Scotched in Scotland , Short #158 – 1954 using stock footage. The 1950s found the Stooges in a predicament where they were contractually bound to produce more films in a short period of time with an ever-tightening budget. Director Jules White workaround was to rework old scenes into new scenarios.

My observations:

As a kid, I loved seeing this masked dude on my TV set.

This mask, worn by a thief in Hot Scots, made such an impression on me that I thought it was used as a prop in several episodes. As I combed through all the spooky Stooges episodes that I could get my hands on, it never resurfaced. So I guess I was wrong. The exception would be Scotched in Scotland, which has slightly different scenes, but the masked dude is in both. This part of the confusion.

The Ghost Talks – Short #113 – 1949

Plot in short:

The Stooges are movers tasked with moving various pieces of antique furniture and other items from a haunted castle. One such item is suit of armor that is haunted by the ghost of Peeping Tom. As per the legend, the spirit confides with the Stooges that he was beheaded one thousand years before for opening his shudders on the night Lady Godiva rode her horse naked through the streets.  He will not have his armor removed. Meanwhile, ghostly skeletons haunt the place and scare The Stooges as well.

In the end, a fully clothed Lady Godiva on her horse enters the house and takes Peeping Tom in his armor away. History repeats itself and the devastating scene from 1000 years ago plays out. The Stooges open the shudders, hoping to see a naked Lady Godiva. They hear cheers. No, they don’t get beheaded. Instead, pies are thrown at the window and into their faces.

Trivia via Wikipedia:

This short was later remade as Creeps – Short #168- 1956 using stock footage

My observations:

The gag of “flying animal trapped in skull” reoccurs in this film. This time it is an own that dons the bonehead. He flies around saying “WHO! WHO! WHO!”

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein premiered was released in 1948. The film features a scene where the comedic duo are tasked with moving wax figures of monsters. These monsters are real, in fact, as a frightened Costello would observe. Perhaps the plot of The Ghost Talks, a short released in 1949,  borrows from A and C? Maybe? Hmmmm??

Could not find this on youtube. So here is a dailymotion link

 

Dopey Dicks – Short #122 – 1950

Plot in short:

The Stooges must rescue a woman from a mad scientist. He has designed a man-robot, which looks like a robotic mannequin. Anyway, the robot keeps knocking its head off when he bumps it into anything. It can’t see! So the Mad Doc wants to replace the head with a human head and brain.  For a good part of this film, The Stooges are chased by this headless robot.

 

My observations:

I say that this short barely squeaks in as a “haunted house” film. No ghosts or skeletons, but it is set in a creepy house with secret panels and passages. The headless robot kind of mimics a ghost.

Philip Van Zandt plays the mad scientist. I single him out because he plays a mad scientist in several Three Stooges shorts.

Spooks – Short #148 – 1953

Plot in short:

Very similar plot to Dopey Dicks. A mad scientist has kidnapped a woman once again. Again, the villain is played by Philip Van Zandt. This time, the mad doc wants to put the woman’s brain into the head of a gorilla. The Three Stooges must rescue her from this house of horrors.

Trivia via Wikipedia:

3D films were the thing in the early 50s. The Stooges wanted to get on the bandwagon. Therefore, this film was shot in 3D!

My observations:

After reading about the “filmed for 3D”, I noticed the places that would feature this effect.  There is knife throwing, pitchfork lunging, blowtorch flaming, cleaver wielding, Moe’s two fingers poking. But perhaps the most outrageous three-dimensional horror is a bat with Shemp’s face!  Shemp comments on what an ugly creature it is!

Scotched in Scotland – Short #158 – 1954

Plot in short:

 This is the remake of Hot Scots. The introduction is different. In the original, Moe dances to bagpipe music with a woman while a man wearing a sheik outfit hides in a picture frame, disguised as the portrait. This scene is omitted in this film. Instead, Moe and Shemp are spooked by a , you guessed it, a bird in a skull that carries the bone head and a sheet when it flies.

A new soundtrack features the sounds of spooky winds.

 

Creeps – Short #168 –  1956

Plot in short:

This is a remake of the 1949 The Ghost Talks short using stock footage.  This time, there are three baby stooges in bed and The Three Adult Stooges tell them a bedtime story involving ghosts, knights, and murders. They tell the story of the time they are movers and tasked with moving the haunted knight armor.

The scene involving Lady Godiva is omitted. It ends, instead, with the Baby Stooges not satisfied with the story, crying that they want another story. To get them to sleep, the adult stooges hit them over the head with a hammer.

My observations:

There is a barking bat-dog hanging on the wall again. This happens in Spook Louder.

EXTRA  – Three Pests in a Mess, 1945 Short# 83 (Not a Haunted House short, but

a scary graveyard. And Curly Returns!)

Plot in short:

Curly mistakenly thinks things he murdered a man when he accidentally shoots a mannequin.  The Three Stooges bag “the body” and take it to a cemetery.  Their actions are observed by a night watchman. He phones for help, reporting that prowlers are on the loose. Three helpers arrive straight from a masquerade party.  They are dressed in the same outfits as the spies in the short Spook Louder. This time, regular Stooge antagonist Vernon Dent dons the costume of the man in black.

(First Picture – Costumes used in 1943 Spook Louder. Second Picture – Costumes used in 1945 Three Pests in a Mess)