The election is tomorrow, and it is our civic duty as Americans to get out and vote.  As patriotic citizens, do we really understand what this civics stuff is all about?  What about all these rights, procedures and legal lingo we come across in documents such as The Constitution? Do we really know what these terms mean?  As voting Americans, we should.

 

If you find that you are lacking certain knowledge about our basic, and all too often not so basic freedoms, don’t beat your self up. It’s complicated stuff, and luckily for you, I am nominating myself as a legal and civics expert. This means I can explain it all to you. Well, not all. But I will dish out for you some tasty analysis and definitions pertaining to seven legal/civics terms and concepts.

 

I have not gained any of this expertise thought schooling, training, or any other “conventional” means. With great pride I can say I learned what I’m about to share with you through an age-old method called Pore-o-Ascendo. A literal translation of this term is “ascending through the pores”.  In other words, while sitting on my butt in the easy chair, drinking beer and what not, this knowledge and expertise just “rose up” and found its way inside my brain, breaking first though the gates of the skin then leaving all epidermal layers far behind, assuring me that this new knowledge is far more than skin deep.

 

It is with an utmost civic pleasure that I am able to share this knowledge with you through a means known as Exito Asso.  Translated, this means “out of the ass”.  The knowledge goes in through the skin then out of my ass, and it is then yours for the keeping!

 

 

Enjoy as I explain and analyze Seven Terms and Concepts Pertaining to Law and Civics.

*********************************************

 

1)  Hades’ Corpses (and the Great Pit of..)

 

In legal lingo, this term applies to the rights and procedures involving prisoners and lawful detention.  Summed up, it means that legal authorities have the right, at any time during legal proceedings, to “toss away” the accused.  Once Hades’ Corpses is granted, the authoritative bodies, going forward, have the right and obligation to discard the faulted ones as if they were objects void of rights, breath, and animation (i.e. “corpses”). Upon enactment, the sentenced are thereby sent to a place of suffering (i.e. “Hades”), where they are herded together with like-entities as defined by law.

A command of the court calling forth Hades Corpses is known as The Great Pit. This command is named for the figurative destination of those subjected to such sentencing.  But once upon a time, the term was not symbolic but lethally literal.

During the European Middle Ages, when governing bodies throughout the lands had not yet braced the concept of Separation of Church and State, Satan was often summoned into legal proceedings, especially during the phases of the carrying out of justice. By decree, Satan was required to grant earthly governing bodies property rights to a section of Hell.  This section, A.K.A. “The Great Pit”, was to be used to house and imprison those whom felt the fullest penalty of the Hades’ Corpses law.  Satan agreed, but held that he might also use the pit for any of his hell-bound fiends that could no longer withstand the unholy fires and wished to terminate their demonic life. Thus, the Great Pit also kept the Corpses of the Damned, or, Hades’ Corpses.

Quite often, those subjected to Hades’ Corpses and The Great Pit thereof soon found themselves of the same fate of the discarded demons.  Lacking the ability to thrive as a living person within The Great Pit, they passed on, becoming just another corpse in hell.

Once the Renaissance came into play, as the years progressed away from the Middle Ages, it was decided that Satan and his domain should be left out of all legal proceedings. Thus, terms such as “Hades”, “Corpses” and “Pit” took on symbolic roles, but nevertheless similar fates and proceedings were kept within the working definitions of these terms.

 

2) Ifso Fatso

 

Quite literally, this term means “by the fat itself”.  The definition was coined thousands of years ago when prehistoric man and woman were setting up their first legal and scientific communities.  It was then perceived that the more body mass one had, the more knowledge one possessed.

Whenever the cause of a certain piece of phenomenon was in question, the problem was delegated to the fattest members of the tribe. After gnawing voraciously upon slabs of brontosaurus meat, the “fatsos” would then dwell upon the revelations that came to them while they were totally immersed within the lethargic state that was brought on by over eating.

After the meeting, they would bring forth the answer; they would lay out the facts.  Neither these facts, not the fatsos themselves were challenged, so to speak. But fatsos were questioned after the declaration of said facts, but this was not by means of a rebuttal but instead by a question meant to expand upon the stated fact.

 

For example, say this question was put forth to fatsos:

 

“Why does the sun appear in the sky and then disappear?”

 

The fatsos, after dining and “revelating”, might come back and say:

 

“The sun appears and dashes across the sky because it follows the path of tiny green gremlin that runs across the lands on the other side of those mountains.”

 

The people would then accept this gremlin declaration as fact, but would then seek to expand upon this newly obtained knowledge with another question.

 

THUS, they would ask like this:

 

“IF SO, FATSO, then what happens when the green gremlin no longer runs its path?”

The fatties would then reconvene, chow down on more food, and come back with something like:

 

“The green gremlin never ceases to run.”

 

Many years later, some hack of a philosopher would incorporate this line of reasoning into his methods and falsely call it The Socratic Method.

 

 

Today, the lengthy proceedings delving into the deepest of the truths (i.e. the incessant questioning of the fatsos) have been abandoned. Overtime, observable phenomena have multiplied exponentially and thus understanding the breadth of experience has taken precedence to understanding the depth of such experience.

 

But the whole term “Ifso Fatso” is still used, even though no one embarks upon a series of questions with each question evolving from the previous inquiry.

Thus, “if so” more accurately means, “if you say so” or better yet “so you say.”

 

An example of the phrase as used in modern times:

 

“I have no modem and ifso fatso cannot connect to the internet.”

 

Alternatively, this could be phrased: “I have no modem so I say I cannot connect to the Internet.

 

3) Electrical Collage – 

 

Quite literally, this term applies to a group of diverse Americans that are charged and ready to vote. Note, there is no error in the preceding statement.  The word “literally” is apropos to the context of the situation, at least by way of actual historical events that led to this unique systemof tabulating votes.

 

Years ago before the United States of America came to be, inventor Benjamin Franklin invented the lightning rod.  Common knowledge (i.e. knowledge found in comic strips, cartoons, etc.) has taught us that Franklin learned to harness electricity by means of a kite and a key.  The metal key was strung to the rope of the kite, and while the kite danced in the air, lightning hit it and the flow of electricity progressed down the rope and into the key.

 

Years later, post Revolutionary War, The United States of America became an established country. The forefathers remembered Franklin’s achievements and incorporated them into the Constitutional framework.  In order to assure that a diverse population of voters (diverse meaning not only some white male land owners but also other white male land owners as well) showed up to the polls, and election patrol was formed. Armed with keys that beheld stored electricity, these patriotic men rode throughout the districts, “zapping” idle constituents all the way to the election booths. Several good jabs of the key to their backs got these lazy folks off their butts and into the voting halls.

 

As time progressed, just as a pit of hellish corpses and a leader class of fatsos became purely symbolic, so did the electrical collage.  Winning an election is determined  by the amount of fervor carried out by the supporters of a said candidate. If a particular candidate is winning in a certain part of the country, the inhabitants of that region are said to be “charged”.  Given that America, like a collage, is made up of diversity, the voting system in the USA is The Electrical Collage.

 

4)  Enema Domain

 

Simply put, Enema Domain bequeaths the right of a governing body to extract, expunge, deplete or empty the said resources of an individual into a collective pot, so to speak, to then be redistributed into the legal arms of public administration projects, such as urban plumbing, sewers and waste management systems to name a few.

Quite often, the person subjected to enema domain goes through a liquidation process pertaining to the former objects of the said individual’s personal property.  The governing body then compensates for the loss, offering relief to those suffering and cleansing the situation.

Enema domain is often invoked when a said individual has “swallowed up” too many resources, so much so that the governing body must seek out such a method for restoring the balance.

 

5) Double Jeopardy! Round

 

In the criminal justice system of the United States, the Double Jeopardy! Round pertains to legal proceedings that are carried out when the accused has been found innocent of a certain crime in the court of law.  The accused still has to answer to the accusations, and, in fact, must bear a new round of injunctions against him/her. However, the legal stakes are more severe this second time around, as the crime for which the individual has been accused of is upgraded to a more serious charge.  Also, if found guilty, the penalties are more severe than if the accused was found guilty of the original, lesser crime.

 

As with the original round of legal proceedings, the accused has the right, through counsel or on his/her own accord, to “question” the accusations against him as they are brought on by a prosecutor in the form of a statement.

 

Double Jeopardy! Round proceedings are often mocked by the press. They have been equated to that of a game show, where the prosecutor that makes the statements of accusation, to which the accused has to formulate a defensive question, has been described as a game show host. Nevertheless, Double Jeopardy! Round is engrained into our legal system. It is so culturally accepted that is practically finds its way into American homes during peak TV viewing time hours.

 

6)  Radification of Constitutional Amendments

 

This is the process of rewriting, reworking and redefining previously engrained constitutional amendments so that new wording of such statements or clauses bring forth the sense of being “more cool”.  Clinging to the root word “rad”, which legal dictionaries define as “outside the scopes of nerdiness”, the process of rad-ification involves the removal of previously stated nerdy terms, to thereby be reinstated with a vocabulary more reflective of the hip nature of things.

 

Take, for instance, a clause within first amendment that as written states “Congress shall make no law….abriding the freedom of speech.”  A proposed radification of such a clause to the first ammendment is as follows: “Preach on, brother!”  or “Say it, don’t spray it.”

 

Likewise, a clause within the second amendment, “….the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed” is the radification process to which the new wording would something to the effect of: “Yeah, I’m packing a rod!”

 

Radification is being saught across all the amendments. Much bipartisan support has been given for changing the wording of section one of the twenty first amendment which reads: “The Eighteenth article of amendment to the Constitution of the United States is hereby repealed” to a more radly phrased statement that goes something like “Woo  Hoo, I can get wasted off my ass tonight!”

 

The radification of the constitutional amendments is process aimed at making America a more kinder, cooler nation.

 

7)  Amanda Rights

 

This is  a set of allowances granted to citizens to protect and preserve basic freedoms  should they be brought, by proper legal authority, into a state of subjugation to the state or local authorities by means or arrest, detainment or other holding measures speficied by law.  When a citizen or other societal entity is brought under these conditions, it usually means they are suspected of perpetrating a crime or other act against the state or another person.  Being arrested does not mean the suspect is guilty of a specified crime. It only means that they are charged with committing an offense, but often sufficient proof of such a deed is lacking at the time of arrest.

 

Amanda Rights gaurantee the allowances of the accused to confess to the crime to each and any authoratative body or persons at the interrogation.  It allows the accused to hold no bar and be forthright about their misdeeds and come forth with the statements and evidence that the accusers are seeking.

 

The underlying purpose of these rights is to alleviate the accused of pain and suffering that comes with hiding guilt, whether it is present or not.  Taken from the sentiments expressed in a song by the rock band Boston,  it is said to help the detainee to get things of his/her chest.

 

Lyrics such as “I’m gonna tell your right away, I can’t wait another day, Amanda” were taken to merit by the legal philosophers who faught for and then eventually established the Amanda Rights.  Often it is the words that are expressed in song, riddle or odes that give way to future social contracts.  It was inevitable that artistically expressed words such as “I’m gonna say it like a man and make you understand, Amanda” would go down is history as an inspiration to a constitutially engrained right to “speak and keep speaking” about your crimes and misgivings to an officer of the law.  Songs often get to the heart of human needs, and it is up to the lawmakers to craft working rights and contracts around such needs.

 

Lines such as “It’s now or never and tomorrow may be too late” have lead to numerous confessions, followed then by convictions and sentences of punishment.