Who grew up watching The Brady Bunch? I’m sure many of you have. I’m willing to bet that several millennials know what’s up when it comes to that “crew that somehow formed a family” Not only has Sherwood Schwartz saturated the airwaves with Brady bunches and brunches, Brady hours, Brady brides, Brady reunions and Brady holiday specials, but he has also penetrated the big screen with Brady Spoofs. (The third and final spoof movie, The Brady Bunch in the White House was actually a movie made for TV, but I bet someone watched in on wide-screen television, so my “big screen” description still counts!) I want to focus on the parody films. See, I would like to reignite this spoofy series with a film idea from yours truly (hint: that’s me!) Sadly, Sherwood Schwartz passed away in 2011. Guess I’d have to seek out his next of kin to obtain all the necessary rights and permissions stuff. Is there a Son of Schwartz in the house?
Consider this post as my proposal submission. My suggestion is that the Schwartz family take into consideration my ideas for a potentially ghoulishly-groovy movie: A Brady Bunch Haunting. Perhaps The Son of Schwartz will stumble on to this blog and see this proposal. You never know!
A family of six moves into the house at 4222 Clinton Way. Mr. and Mrs. Frank and Jane Lovingston, along with their three adorable children (Colleen – age five. Travis – age eight. Julia age fifteen) are in love with their new dream house. Jane’s mother Clara also lives with them and she is happy as well. There is a large living room with an open staircase leading to a second floor with three charming bedrooms. There’s a spacious attic, a groovy kitchen that connects to a maid’s quarters. There’s also a gorgeous sitting room with glass doors that lead to a wonderful backward with a swing set.
There is just one problem – the house is haunted by the ghosts of the Brady’s (and Alice!) Below are some possible haunting scenarios.
Davy Jones – Julia wakes in the middle of the night, goes down stairs, pulls out a Ouija Board and attempts to get in touch with the spirit of the late singer Davy Jones so that she may ask him to perform at her prom. Mrs. Lovingston interrupts this Ouija Board session and sends Julia to bed. The next morning Julia has no recollection of any of this, nor does she know who the heck this Davy Jones guy is.
The Phantom Football – Yard dwellers are in constant danger of being struck in the face by a phantom football that materializes out of thin air. On impact, a disembodied female voice cries out “Oh my nose!”
The Den of Advice Mr. Lovingston has no time for his son. Behind the living room is the former den of Mr. Brady. Right now, the room isn’t used for anything. Travis often wanders into this bare room. His mom overhears him talking to someone.
“Who are you talking to?” Jane asks.
“The R Ka Pet (architect).” Travis says. He helps me with my problems.”
Jane thinks Travis has an imaginary friend, until – she hears a man’s voice talking back to her son. He (Mr. Brady) is saying, “Reason him, Travis. Calm, cool reasoning”
Random vase breakages – In the living room there is poltergeist-type activity. Vases suddenly break. When this happens, the disembodied voices of two young boys speak to each other. They say “Mom’s favorite vase.” And “She always says ‘Don’t play ball in the house’”
Picture of Jan While checking out her new bedroom closet, Clara uncovers an old picture of Jan Brady. She is freaked out because the picture looks exactly like she did when she was a young girl.
Later, when Clara encounters mirrors, she sees Jan’s reflection instead of her own. Both Clara and the Reflection-Jan scream in fright. Clara screams on account of the insanity of having a different reflection. Reflection-Jan screams because she sees what she will look like when she gets old. Clara has not aged very well. The thought of taking on her appearance scares her so.
Kitty-Karry-All – Little Colleen lies in her bed, her arms wrapped around her doll. Suddenly, her doll vanishes. Where did it go?
There it is! It’s rocking back and forth in midair! Then, she hears the singing voice of a little girl: “Rock a bye baby, on the tree top..” Suddenly the ghost of Cindy Brady appears. Her ghostly arms are wrapped around the doll. She whines, “I’m sorry, but this is not my Kitty!
Colleen screams as Cindy and the doll vanish. Later her doll will turn up in the dog house. Colleen will reclaim it but it will always disappear and turn up in strange places in unsettling situations (on one occasion, the doll is found hanging from the attic rafters with a knife stuck in its chest)
Every time the doll goes missing, a new doll takes its place in her bed. It is a “Kitty Karry-All”. Colleen is afraid of this mysterious doll. She breaks it and throws it away, but it always returns without any damage.
Alternate Kitty Karry-All scenario
The night after the Cindy ghost whines about not having her Kitty Karry-All, Colleen wakes up inside Cindy’s arms. She has become “Kitty Karry-All.” The entire family including Alice stands around Cindy. They are smiling as Cindy says, “I have my Kitty back!” Poor Colleen screams for help but it’s as if the Brady’s don’t hear her. The only response she gets is applause from the Brady’s as Cindy looks down at Colleen, smiles, and says, “I will never lose you again. I will keep you forever, and ever, and ever, and..
In bed with…Alice – While engaging in romantic activities with his wife, Frank suddenly sees that the woman in bed with him is not Jane. It’s a goofy looking middle aged woman in a maid’s outfit. “You can put your meatloaf in my oven now, Mr. Brady!” she says. Frank turns away and looks again. He sees only his wife. How weird!
Ghost of Greg Poor Julia. Her attic bedroom is haunted. She is dragged out of her bed a la Paranormal Activity style. Then she tied by her wrists and hung on the rafters.
The ghost of Greg then materializes and terrorizes her with – his guitar playing and singing
As he sings, “Clowns never laughed before” – the faces of killer clowns appear and start laughing at her.
When he sings, “Beanstalks never grew” – beanstalks sprout from cracks in the attic floor and wrap around her body.
The voice in the suds – At strange times, the washing machine overflows and soap suds fill the entire room. This happens when the washing machine is not even is use! Sometimes, from inside the suds, a voice of a young boy is heard. It shouts “Mom!” Occasionally, the shout is followed by the concerned voice of a woman who says, “Ohh Bobby!”
The Boy inside the walls – Jane finds a little boy living inside the walls. His name is Oliver. He meets the rest of the family and tells them his story.
“I have been living inside these walls ever since the Brady’s lived here. I locked myself away because I am a jinx. I thought that if I could go and live within the walls, then the Brady’s would be shielded from his bad luck.
I was wrong. The bad luck stayed with them. One by one, I watched them get murdered. Through the cracks in the wall, I watched as they all died.”
“Who killed them?” Frank wants to know. But Oliver can’t remember. It was too traumatic an experience. But he says something really creepy.
“The Brady’s are still here. I sense them.”
The maniac butcher – Later that evening, Oliver eats dinner with the Lovingston’s. They are all sitting around the dining room table when all of a sudden, a terribly scary ghost appears. He is holding a bloody meat cleaver.
Suddenly, Oliver remembers what happened on that fateful night.
“Sam the Butcher killed them! He went crazy after Alice dumped him.”
The Lovingston’s flee with Oliver, and they never return to 4222 Clinton Way ever again.