Movies

Review of Hell House, LLC

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For as long as I remember, I have loved haunted house amusement attractions. (Wait, scratch that! I hated my first couple pass-throughs. I was a little kid and I was scared shitless. So why did I begin with “for as long as I can remember, I have loved…?”  Because, silly, it’s a great phrase for which to begin an article!). Every once in a while, a movie comes along that features  such an attraction. I always try to see these films. There is The Funhouse, for example, directed by the famed Tobe Hooper. Four kids are trapped inside a funhouse overnight.  I seem to recall this film having mixed reviews, but oh well, I love it and will rewatch it from time to time.  Since the setting does not take place in an actual haunted house but rather a carnival ride,  I have not reviewed this film at this blog.  There are no paranormal events in the film either.  Then there is The Houses October Built Great title, good movie. It’s a film consisting of four or five young people who travel  the states in search of the ultimate “haunt” (another term for a haunted house amusement attraction. This makes more sense, because these attractions are not really meant to be haunted houses but a series of horrific displays varying in theme), until a haunt finds them. This time around, I did review the film. Why? I don’t know, I somehow convinced myself this was more closer to a haunted house movie than The Funhouse. Was I wrong in this distinction? Probably.  Sue me, I guess.

Finally, the heavens above sent forth a movie made just for me  (heavens = Shudder.com). It’s a movie about a haunted house amusement attraction that is, in fact, really haunted.   From what I can tell, this film is exclusive to Shudder, and it was one of the reasons I renewed my subscription this past Halloween season, a subscription that hadn’t been active for years.

The premise: ghosts and/or demons cause deadly shenanigans on this haunt’s opening night. Imagine following a line of people through the cramped passageways, only to suddenly have to reverse.  “Go back, go back” people in front of you are shouting. Something terrible has happened at the very last exhibit. An emergency. Carnage.  When all is said and done, police and emergency vehicles are everywhere.  And several people are dead.  WTF happened?  Well, the answer to the question is the crux of the film.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention; the name of both the haunt and the film is Hell House LLC.

The film begins as a documentary that has been filmed after the events of the story. It starts with interviews of people that have second-hand knowledge of what might have happened on that tragic night, then continues with an interview with Sara Havel, the sole surviving crew member.  

Sara has in her possession a video of the events that lead up to opening-night horrors. It just so happens that one of the crew members documented all the prepping activities with his camera. There’s always some guy or girl in these flicks that do that,  isn’t there?  The rest of the film is pretty much the video itself.  You know what this means, don’t you?  Yep, you guessed it.  Hell House LLC is a found-footage movie.

I have no idea how you the reader of this piece feels about found-footage movies.  For me, it depends on how good the story is and how little the camera operators annoy us with a shaking camera.  But if you’re one of those that has made up your mind that you absolutely hate found-footage films, I implore you to still see this movie.  It’s a great movie and when the camera does shake in enhances the scares (like when the customers are fleeing the haunt.)

The film follows a group of haunters during Halloween season  as they “set-up camp”, if you will, in Rockland County, New York, determined to convert the abandoned Abaddon Hotel into the area’s one and only haunted attraction.  The hotel itself is the subject of dark legends. Supposedly, way back in the ancient days of the 1980s, some cult leader named Andrew Tully tried to open a portal to hell on the premises. Two people went missing when he did this. Oh for Heaven’s sake Mr. Tully, couldn’t you be happy with the amenities the hotel provided?

Back to current time (2015). How are five or six people able to haul thousands of dollars worth of mechanical haunting props in a couple of cars, reconstruct the whole place, hire actors, and market the event in a 30-45 day time period? This doesn’t even include securing the rental contract and obtaining the necessary permits. I guess we the viewers are not supposed to be concerned with those things. These are experienced haunters, having operated in various places in past seasons.  So they know what they are doing and we’ll just have to trust them. Reasons not to trust them? For one thing, they are hosting a public event in a place where supposed demonic activity had taken place. And in the end people will die, so there’s that.

Actually, we the viewers do see the crew preparing for the haunt, day by day. Each new scene opens with the subtitle  “X amount of days until opening night” (I’m sure some days are skipped for the sake of the audience. The movie is supposed to scare us to death, not bore us to death. Maybe those were the days they filed the paperwork and received incoming shipments?) 

There are some genuinely creepy scenes in this film. There’s the clown dummy that just won’t stay in one place. There are these shadow things that just appear out of nowhere. And some members of the crew get possessed from time to time.  For you folks out there that love twists, the film as you covered. 

This film is not to be confused with Richard Matheson’s book  “Hell House”.  The corresponding movie is titled The Legend of Hell House. When I first saw the title “Hell House, LLC”, I immediately thought it was either a sequel or remake of Matheson’s story. Matheson’s story is a great book, and the movie is great too. but it’s an entirely different animal.  It’s the “LLC” that distinguishes the modern film  Gotta love the “LLC!”

Guess what?  There’s a Hell House 2, 3, and an origins film. Many of these have gotten good reviews. Therefore, I really am looking forward to binge watching these sequels, more so than other successful horror films that had follow ups. So much fun! It’s great to be me!

Review of The Haunted Palace and a Tribute to Roger Corman

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Saying Goodbye to Roger Corman 

RogerCormanLast week we lost a legend.  Roger Corman died two years shy of his 100th birthday. Known as the B-movie king, Corman’s filmography is extensive. He produced hundreds of films and contributed significantly to the horror genre.  So I thought I would review one of his films as a sort of tribute.

I’ve seen several but still not many Corman films, considering the mammoth list of films credited to his name. Of the ones I’ve seen, they make their markings all over the likeability scale. I didn’t care for The Undead, for instance.  I am most familiar with his films reimagining to stories of Edgar Allan Poe, of which there are eight.  The Raven has very little in common with the themes of Poe’s famous poem for which the film was made.  It is a fun film and just downright silly.

I loved House of Usher and The Masque of the Red Death. Both are somewhat true to their original stories, but in each case, the figurative concepts with these tales morph into literal, tangible phantoms once the camera captures them.  I have reviewed both these Poe tales, and yet, I have not reviewed these corresponding films of Corman. My excuse to myself was they were not “haunted-housey” enough. But that’s a weak excuse. If they were haunted- housey enough in print, wouldn’t they be haunted-housey enough in film?  So I guess in truth I just never got around to it.

Guess what?  I’m still not getting around to reviewing those films.  Instead, the film I am choosing to review is The Haunted Palace.  I figure, you know, it’s got the phrase “haunted (insert the name of a domicile here)” in its title, so…

Some will argue that despite the film’s title, it’s not a haunted house film.  Their views are not without merit. But I suggest it is.  There is a creepy castle with portraits and winding, stone staircases.  There are large fireplaces and secret passages. There is an overall gothic flavor to this film. Within Gothic literature, something that is “haunted” can simply mean being possessed with troubling things that linger.  Linger they do in this film. Finally, the movie’s called “The Haunted Palace” so contrary to what I wrote earlier, I shall not “despite the film’s title!”

THE HAUNTED PALACE

HauntedPalaceScene

 

“Haunted, not by ghosts. By fear, by guilt, by memory of a particular night”

 

This line is spoken by the village doctor. Played by Frank Maxwell, he is explaining to a couple that is visiting the town of Arkham why their presence is upsetting the locals.   I don’t know why these two visitors should have been so perplexed by their unwelcoming ways.  After all, the male counterpart of this couple, Charles Dexter Ward, is played by the great Vincent Price and he’s running his mouth off about inheriting the creepy palace that stands at the top of the hill overlooking the town.  Vincent Price in a haunted house overlooking the town! That is never a good thing for characters in a movie.

As it turns out, one hundred years prior, a necromancer named Joseph Curwen lived in that palace.  He had a thing for hypnotically seducing young ladies of the village to the castle where he would force them to mate with the elder gods. The villagers didn’t take too kindly to this, so they tied the Joseph to a tree and burned him alive. Before he succumbed to the flames, Joseph cursed the village. He also vowed to one day return from the dead and have revenge. Necromancers will do that; return from the dead.  Low and behold, one hundred years later, Curwen’s ancestor comes to town. This, of course, is Charles Dexter Ward.  Vincent Price plays both Curwen and Ward.  The portrait of Curwen that hangs in the castle looks exactly like Ward (well of course it does, it’s a drawing of the same actor).  So naturally, the townspeople are freaked out.  They believe in the curse. For proof, they look at their children. So many are born with deformities.

Throughout the movie, we see Price as the congenial Ward slowly surrender to the wretched personality of his late ancestor Curwen.  The omen bares out. Curwen’s soul takes possession of Ward.  Price is brilliant during these personality changes. With slight changes of facial expressions, with fluctuations in vocal inflection, he brings these characters to life. At one point in the film, with his wavering of expressions and tone, we aren’t sure who he is at the moment, which is the whole point of the scene.

This film is based on the works of two classic authors of horror: Edgar Allan Poe and H.P. Lovecraft.  The title, The Haunted Palace, is derived from a poem of Poe’s. It was incorporated into Poe’s story The Fall of the House of Usher.  To be honest, it’s not the easiest poem to comprehend.  It’s not that long and you can read it in its entirety here:

As I do so often, when I’m clueless about the meaning of something, I see what good ol’ Wikipedia has to say on the subject. 

The poem is about a king from the days of yore; content, dignified and wise until the great assault.  Assault of “evil things in robes of sorrow, assails the monarch’s high estate”

It is implied the king has gone mad. The assault, perhaps, are the thoughts, emotions, and perceptions that exist to drive one insane.  Thus, the palace referenced by in the title, is actually the king’s own head.  I find this an intriguing concept. There is no scarier haunted house than the head that houses a troubled mind. I’ve thought of similar analogies but of course, Poe always beats me to these concepts, rendering me a useless plagiarizer. (Of course he had the advantage of living long before I was born.)

The story itself is based on H. P. Lovecraft’s The Case of Charles Dexter Ward.  I have not read it, but according to my friend Wikipedia.

The story is about an escapee of a mental asylum, Charles Dexter Ward. He seeks out the grave of his long dead ancestor Joseph Curwen, a mass-murder and necromancer. Like his forefather, he too wants to resurrect the dead, and there is no better person to resurrect than the master resurrector himself.   

The movie itself, like most Corman movies based on literature, only loosely resembles the originals. Unlike the Poe poem, there are no kings.  Unlike the Lovecraft story, Curwen isn’t kidnapping women.  But –

  1. A story of a man losing his identity within the walls of a stone, gothic castle.   How very Poe!
  2. A tale of a necromancer seeking to mate captured women with the elder gods. How very Lovecraft!

In their own way, Corman and screenwriter Charles Beaumont capture the essence of the works of these two authors.

 

I must confess: this is not my favorite Corman film.  I like House of Usher and  The Masque of the Red Death more (both with Vincent Price! If I’m not mistaken, all of Corman’s Poe films feature Price).  But it’s an “okayish” kind of film.

Rest in Peace, Roger.  You worked hard down here on earth. All your many productions are a testament to that. So please, rest. You have earned it.

Disney’s Haunted Mansion 2023 – First of Two “Haunt” Movies I’m Reviewing that Recently Premiered

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Haunt 1! Haunt 2!   See, I’m Mr. Autumn with these near football expressions. This article be  Haunt 1 – Disney’s Haunted Mansion 2023.

Let’s go back to The summer of 2023. Summer is the season of blockbuster movies. How often did I go to the theater last summer?  Just once for Spider-Man: Across the Multiverse.  I really did mean to check out Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, but I guess my personal dial of destiny wasn’t set up for that. I never had any interest in seeing Barbie. Looking back, it sounds like Oppenheimer was the best of the summer movies. Missed that as well.

There was another movie I thought about going to the theater to see that summer. But after reading the dreadful reviews Haunted Mansion received, I decided I would wait until this Disney movie came out on Disney+. I still await for good ol’ Indy to stream his Dial of Destiny on that platform.  As for Haunted Mansion, it premiered this past week. I watched it. I’m so glad I didn’t pay theater prices to see this film. So effin’ glad!

I knew what I was getting into. Based on the reviews, I understood the kind of movie it was without even seeing it. I knew there was a very little chance I would like this movie. Still, I hoped to find something favorable about it. And I kind of did, enough for me not to give this film a grade of an F.  D+ should cover it.  Hey, it’s a high D!  That’s something!

Based on the Disney World attraction of the same name, I guess Haunted Mansion is supposed to be a horror fantasy comedy. Since it’s rated PG-13, I can’t describe it as a fun for the whole family kind of movie. Probably too scary for the littlest of ones.  There are severed heads and stuff like that. Little kids wouldn’t really get it anyway. As a comedy, the humor falls flat. The ghosts are too hokey to be scary. Its fantasy elements are probably the strongest points, but even with those there is a lot to be desired.

Plot-in-brief: A widow and her young boy son move into a mansion that turns out to be haunted. Through a series of plot-forced events, a wacky-team of paranormal experts and one haunted house historian come to their aid and try to unhaunt the house, bringing with them the personal baggage of their personal lives which include grief, dishonesty, self-doubt, all wrapped up in over-the-top cheesiness.

The ghosts look like CGI specters straight from the 90s. It’s funny, because I remember visiting the Disney World attraction in 1982-83. The three-dimensional ghosts impressed me but I’m told the attraction hasn’t changed much. Maybe that’s why the special effects of the movie are the way they are, to keep on par with an outdated attraction?  Gosh, I don’t know.

HauntedMansionCastThe cast is made up of well known stars. How did I like them and/or the characters they played?

  • Rosario Dawson as the widow: Her character is kind of boring. I’d rather watch her as Ahsoka Tano from the Star Wars universe.
  • Tiffany Haddish as a spiritual medium. She’s supposed to be funny but to me she’s obnoxious. I liked her in Girls’ Trip and maybe only in Girls’ Trip. Just as the ghosts in this film are trapped in the mansion, so is Haddish trapped in one movie as an entertainer that makes me laugh
  • Owen Wilson as a priest. I already suffered with this guy in one haunted house movie (The 1999 remake of The Haunting). Now here he is again. Please Owen, stay away from haunted house films.
  • Danny DeVito as a historian.  He is just sort of there doing typical Danny Devito stuff.
  • Jared Leto as The Hat-Box ghost. Meh! He looks like The Grinch in a Scrooge costume. Next!
  • Jamie Lee Curtis as  some dead medium trapped in a crystal ball. I can’t say much else, Jamie, cause you are just some head in a ball.
  • LaKeith Stanfield – the main protagonist. You I liked. You were the most real

Cast – done. What next? The humor. I mean, I understood when something was supposed to be funny. Like Tiffany Haddish’s precious séance materials, on sale at Costco or something to that effect. The exact lines don’t matter.. It won’t make the moment seem any funnier. It’s sort of like when a dude at a bar comes back from the pisser and announces to his buddies, “I just drained the main vein” or “Beer goes in, Beer goes out.”  Of course the buddies laugh because they recognize these statements as “humor” and, well Hell, you’re supposed to laugh at humor, ain’t ya?

On to the fantasy elements.  Hallways turning topsy-turvy. Faces forming inside candles. A crocodile climbing up the walls. These are the things I like. The design/setting of the house, the portraits on the wall coming to life. I would have preferred this whole viewing experience be a first person walkthrough of the whole mansion, with ghostly happenings occurring everywhere. Yeah, have a  few characters doing something but keep it simple

Let’s end where the film ends. Ghosts be dancing in the main dining room to  New Orleans Jazz! Oh no, a spoiler! Who cares! I did like the music. Then finally, it all comes to a close with a final message, a suggestion from Disney itself  – “Since You watched Haunted Mansion…”  And there it was, in a small box at the top of the screen “Star Wars Episode 2 – Attack of the Clones.”

It’s one of those messages that gets a person thinking deep thoughts. A “hmmmm” was in order on my part. What the hell does this movie have to do with the plights of  Star Wars heroes Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi? To this very hour, I still do not know.  I hate unsolved riddles as much as Anakin hates sand.

Evil Dead Rise

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EvildDeadPosterTo write or not to write, that was the question I asked myself in the theater over and over as the movie was running its course. When blood relentlessly poured into an elevator car, threatening to drown two victims, then I knew the answer. Supernatural events were occurring independently of the “deadites” (A franchise term for the demon-possessed folks). Therefore, Evil Dead Rise can qualify as a haunted house film.  I will explain in more detail as I “rise” to the occasion and write this review!

I saw this during the final stretch of the opening weekend. My Sunday evening (April 22) was filled with blood, gore and guts. How was yours?  If you have been following the film’s buzz, then you have probably already heard about it. It has been met with mostly positive reviews.

I enjoyed the film as well, but I can’t resist offering up some of what I will call “Old Man Dan Criticism”. By the way, I’m the “Old Man Dan;”  old not necessarily in years (I’m only fifty-two years young) but in tastes.

What are the critics saying?  I’ve taken the liberty to extract several adjectives from various reviews.  Some of these words might seem negative, but these adjectives have been taken from the positive reviews. Remember, the horror world can be backwards. Words sounding repulsive to a normal, clean-cut, model citizen are  in fact taken as compliments to a horror fan.

See for yourself:

Visceral , exhilarating, cathartic , unrelenting, gorefest (I think this was used as an adjective), eviscerating , merciless, jolting,  grisly, riveting , gruesome, manic, unhinged , gutsy, “effed-up”, disgusting, unpretentious, intense, horrifying, disturbing, twisted, sadistic

Aren’t those lovely, colorful words?  

Before we get to my words, let’s do a refresher on the Evil Dead Franchise. I know, you already know all there is to know about it. But that other person reading this article might not. So, let’s rewind.

Evil Dead Here at this Blog 

This isn’t the first time I’ve written about this franchise. I dedicated quite bit of effort writing about Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn. It was a favorite of mine growing up.

For those unfamiliar with the franchise, the premise goes something like this: someone stumbles upon The Book of the Dead. Constructed in human flesh, written in blood, the book contains several passages that, when recited, invite flesh-possessing demons into our world. And you know what, they seem to always accept the invitation. I have yet to see an Evil Dead film where the unseen demons reply to the calling, “Not today, we’ve got laundry to do.”

The first film, Evil Dead, I praised for its low-budget appeal;  though amateurish in some respects, it came off as a noticeably passionate undertaking from a couple of filmmaker friends (Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell). The second I lauded for its mixture of horror and comedy, which was blended in such a unique way.

These reviews are part of a series I was doing on Haunted Cabins

Even though it is a book that is haunted and there is nothing intrinsically haunted about the cabin in which the horror plays out, I felt these two films were appropriate for this blog on haunted houses because:

 

  1.  Supernatural events occur in a self-contained environment (the cabin)
  2.  It meets my own criteria for “what is a haunted house”

                  There are other haunted house stories that focus mostly on the ghosts that haunt the house. The house is but their stage; a platform that enables these specters to show off their ghostly antics.  This “stage” can provide the perfect atmosphere for their performance if the lighting is gloomy enough, if the props and furnishings give the surroundings the right touch of “haunt”.

From Social Theory and The Haunted House

      3.  Wikipedia lists these films as part of the haunted house genre. Wikipedia is never wrong!

The third film, The Army of Darkness, I didn’t review. There is no house or cabin. Instead, franchise hero Ash Williams goes back in time to the Middle Ages to fight the undead.

The fourth film, Evil Dead 2013, is a remake of the original. More serious in tone, it is inferior to to its predecessors. I saw it but didn’t bother to review it.

Ash Vs. The Evil Dead is a series. Ash Williams is back, living in a trailer, and leading a life devoted to slaying the “deadites”. I’ve seen a few episodes. It’s an alright show but for some reason it just didn’t grab me.

Now in 2023, along comes another Evil Dead Rise. It doesn’t just come, it “rises”. Oooooo!

I would say this is a reimagining more than a remake.  The supernatural events take place in an apartment complex rather than a cabin. Therefore, the evil fun is extended to such spheres of eerie atmosphere as the hallways, elevator, and parking garage. The characters involve single mother Ellie who is raising three children. Two are teenagers, Danny and Bridget, and one is a young girl named Kassie. Their Auntie Beth comes to visit them. Danny discovers The Book of the Dead in a hidden vault within the apartment. It contains records that have the deadite-inducing passage. He plays the records and the evil spirits come. Teenagers! Always opening cans of worms.

The first one to turn into a deadite is Ellie. She turns into The Mommy from Hell!

This would have been a perfect film to include in my Haunted Apartment Series. Alas, I wrote this back when, and now is now so.. Well, that’s the way the building crumbles I guess!  Anyways, Evil Dead Rise meets my criteria as a haunted house film. The “haunting” occurs in a self-contained space. And, certain spooky things happen that go beyond a few possessed individuals. Lights flicker. The power goes out. Stereos power on and off on their own accord. And, as I mentioned in the beginning of the article, an elevator is overrun with blood.

My Thoughts on Evil Dead Rise

Okay, as promised, it’s my turn to spew words

I’m going to put on my old man skin now.  I do have other skins, mind you.  What the old man version of myself thinks may not necessarily reflect the views of the other skins. 

Okay, ready for some Old Man Dan bitching? Well, ready or not, here it comes – 

It’s too loud. It’s too fast. Slow down, deadite, slow down, ghoul!. I can’t even get a good look at you. Hey editor, can you let the camera do its thing before you cut to a new scene? Why is there so much loud music whenever there’s a scare? Let the objects on the screen do their job at frightening. Yes I jumped in my seat. Again and again. Too many jump scares crush my sitz bones. Gore and Splatter, Splatter and gore! And yet, here comes some more.I guess  more blood equals more horror and more horror equals better horror!  What is the cinematic horror world coming to? The film is over now, here comes the credits and ohh my head hurts. I’m exhausted and hyped up at the same time and, oh shit,  I have to go to work tomorrow. It sucks to be me! 

It’s true. I felt all those things I wrote above. In past reviews I’ve stated over and over how I like a patient camera, atmosphere over blast-o-sphere (blasting the audience with noise, blood, and jumps).  

Still….

This film is creepy as fuck! I like it that way. It’s more than just sensation-bombardment. Alyssa Sutherland  who plays Ellie,  a loving mother turned evil deadite, does an excellent job. Her facial expressions as a deadite are spot on. There are certain gory moments that are truly unexpected. They  caught me off guard and caused me to chuckle (nervously?) and exclaim “Holy shit!” And there were moments the film relied on tension rather than everything, everywhere all at once (oops, wrong movie).  Like when the kids and sister realize something is not quite right with Mommy Deadite but aren’t sure what is happening. She is quietly mumbling psychotic things as she fiddles around at the stove, frying up a dozen or so eggs, shells and all.

Then there’s the part where Mommy Deadite is locked out of the apartment but is able to slip into the vents. We, and the trapped apartment dwellers, hear the clang clang clang of someone or something making their way inside from somewhere behind the walls.  So it’s not all quick camera moves and screams and spatters.  Sometimes things “creep” along at a reasonable pace; as I said, creepy as fuck!

So, yes the film is saturated with “high-octane scares”, noise, jump scares and a hyperactive camera. But it puts all this together artfully if that makes any sense.

But is Evil Dead Rise as good as its predecessors?

Oh no. Un uh. No siree Bob. Sorry it just isn’t. 

Some other adjectives used by critics giving this film a positive review are “fun”, “comedic” and “Groovy!”

Yes, this film was fun. As fun as the ones that came before?  No.

Is this film comedic?  Sort of. Or..no not really.  Not in the way of Evil Dead 2 at least. If anything, at times, it tries to be like that. But, well, just no.

Is it groovy?  NO! That word is reserved for Bruce Campbell only. He uttered it. He is not in this film. He gets to keep it. Case closed.

And so closes this review.  Have a good day. Or Evening. Or Something.

 

****

 

 

Horrible Haunted House Ha Ha’s Continue with Marlon Wayans’ A Haunted House

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I can’t believe this. Here I am, reviewing Marlon Wayans’ A Haunted House and yet I still haven’t gotten around to writing about the movie it is spoofing – Paranormal Activity.  That’s what happens when you’re stricken with the:

Halloween Ha Ha’s,

Haunted House boo boos

Haunted House Ha Ha’s.

Except I forgot to say “Ha Ha” when watching the movie. I did force myself to laugh several times.  The laughter flowed in more of a “heh heh” fashion though.

AHauntedHouse

What can I say about this movie? Do I really have it in me to analyze and criticize this kind of film? Is there anything really for me to hypothesize then publicize?  Should I demonize the demon eyes? 

No this is not a good film.   But it was entertaining…sometimes. It wasn’t boring, that’s for sure.

Marlon Wayans and Essence Atkins star as a couple who move in together. Atkins’s character, a hoarder, brings much to Wayans’ house, including a malicious ghost. Or is it a demon? During a Ouija board session, the spirit proclaimed itself to be a “gost”. It can’t spell. Funny!  Not really, but oh well. And that’s all I’ll say about the plot, aside from the fact that it loosely mimics the storyline of Paranormal Activity, but I already mentioned that, and now I’m just rambling to extend this “review.”

The thing is, many reviewers ripped this movie because of the poorly written plot.  What the hell, the only purpose of the plot was to provide some kind of structure for which to attach all those raunchy jokes. I got that, never expected anything else. 

But those raunchy jokes tho’!

Let’s see, we have racial stereotyping humor, white couple wants to swing with black couple funnies, gay psychic wants to do Wayans hilarity, Wayans humping his stuffed animal jocularity, man and woman both raped by a demon shenanigans, fart jokes, blunt-smoking demon ha ha’s, exorcisms conducted by jailhouse preacher hee hee’ss, small penis chuckles, and many scenes of Wayans’ bare ass for raw naked humor..  I could go on.

Though crude, I’m no prude, and I was able to at least smile at all the stuff written about in the preceding paragraph. I was never a member of the PC police and when it comes to comedy, I prefer old school raunchy over the modern perky quirky.  But the jokes in A Haunted House became repetitious, and just when you’ve had enough the film doubles down on them, then triple downs, quadruples even. More. Faster. Louder.

This was my first exposure to the comedic styling of Marlon Wayans.  Maybe I’ll check out more of his work but maybe not. I could take it or leave it, but if I ever feel a bit off-center, I’d be leaning toward “leave it”.

 

Rottontomatoes score = WOW, only 9%! Well, it’s still better than Hillbillies in a Haunted House IMHO.

 

****************

Next up – GOOD Haunted House HA HA films.  I promise!

Hillbillies, Ghosts and Bikinis! Horrible Haunted House Ha Ha’s!

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Every film genre has its heroes.  I’m referring to the legendary actors who brought stories to life.  There are the horror film greats, for instance.  Too many to name!  Wouldn’t it be great if some of the signature actors of the horror films of the 30s and 40s contributed their talents to some 1960s haunted house films?  For instance, what if Lon Chaney Jr., John Carradine and Boris Karloff starred in such films, what would the result be?  Answer: a waste of talent. An ineffective ploy to make terrible films interesting.

To their credit, the trio mentioned in the paragraph above did their jobs well. But their talents just couldn’t save Hillbillies in a Haunted House and The Ghost and the Invisible Bikini, two Horrible Haunted House Ha Ha films.  Both of these movies try to mix music and comedy with horror. It doesn’t mix well.  Not in these instances. Not at all.

Hillbillies in a Haunted House

 

*If the above youtube clip is unavailable, sorry. Copywriters claimed it.

 

Let’s begin with the Hillbillies. Yeeeeeee Haw!  This film stars Lon Chaney Jr and John Carradine. Merle Haggard makes an appearance or two as well. It seems as if the goal of this film was simply to publicize a bunch of country music acts, so a couple of producers decided:

“Hey, let’s git us some musical acts in a film, throw some kind of story around them or something. All we need is a writer with a low-budget kind of mentality. Maybe like a haunted house plot or something.”

The comedy, I’m convinced, just naturally flowed from the stupidity, a kind of “Gee this is so stupid. Uh, maybe it’s funny?”.  But it wasn’t funny, damn it! It certainly isn’t a “It’s so bad it’s good” movie either. It is just bad.

The film opens with real life country singer Ferlin Husky  (playing the role of Wood Wetherby; a fictional country singer), driving with singing partner Boots Malone and manager Jeepers. They are headed to a Jamboree in Tennessee. Of course, they have to sing about it with the song “We’re headed to the Jamboree” or something.

On their way, this trio stops for the night at a haunted house. The source of the haunting is really a gang of international spies!  Oh, but it turns out the house really is haunted by some Civil War solider! The End…NOT!  The last thirty minutes are all Jamboree stuff. UGH!

 

Some notes:

  • A gorilla takes part in the scares. Olden days movies, they just love to put an actor in a gorilla suit and have him run around and scare people.
  • Lon Chaney Jr., what the hell happened to ya?  You were this handsome, dashing thin man. You changed!
  • There is one good part of the movie. An excellent musical performance by Sonny James doing the song When the Cat Came Back

Rottontomatoes score:  15%

 

The Ghost and the invisible Bikini

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CY4P79ZVPLU

*If the above YouTube clip is unavailable, sorry. Copywriters claimed it.

This film is a little bit better than the first. Replace hillbillies with beach teens. Replace country music with 1960’s beach pop songs.

Here are the elements of this film:

Two Ghosts (Boris Karloff and Some Girl, who “wears” an invisible bikini. But sorry, you still won’t see nuttin’ fun) / An eccentric lady who screams sometimes / Her dumb blonde beach bum nephew / A horde of his beach friends / A young couple that start off as strangers, but we all know they’re destined to be lovers / A shady, evil lawyer and his accomplices / Nancy Sinatra, one such accomplice / A motorcycle gang / A gorilla. You have to have a gorilla. It was the law back then. 

Throw this whole mess into a haunted house and let the zany antics begin!

This film is part of a series. According to Wikipedia it’s the “seventh and last of American International Pictures’ beach party films”.  But wait a minute! If you follow the link to American International Pictures beach party films,

it lists twelve such films and “Ghost/Invisible” is number 10! Wiki! You contradict yourself! Anyway, it’s funny how all the films released before The Ghost and The invisible Bikini star Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello (okay, Funicello skipped out on the one of them). Wikipedia states that Avalon and Funicello appeared in marketing promos for this ghostly, beachy film, but they were not cast in it.  These beach party films had reoccurring actors but the only actor that appeared before is Deborah Walley, and she did not get on board until the fifth film Beach Blanket Bingo . So THAT is why, I guess, Ghost/Bikini gets to be included inthe “beach party film” club! Good Grief!

This film has its fun moments. But it’s not good enough to be a “so bad it’s good” movie. Perhaps it’s a “so bad it’s okay” movie?  Maybe.

 

Rottentomatoes score: 48%

I Am the Pretty Little Thing That Lives in the House – A Review

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I-Am-Pretty-Thing-Lives-House Ghost

I am the ugly fat thing that sits in his basement and writes about I Am the Pretty Little Thing That Lives in the House, a 2016 haunted house film from director Osgood Perkins. Actually, I have lost a lot of weight, and come to think of it, I am handsome.  Perhaps my appearance is debatable. As is the quality of this film. Very much so.

The average rating on IMDB comes to 4.6 out of 10 stars. Oh dear. On rottentomatoes  the average rating among critics is 57%. The average among the audience is only 24%. Wow, that is low, man. Reeeeal low. And yet, critics such as Brian Tallerico of rogerebert.com are generous with praise. Released in limited theaters back in 2016, it found its home on Netflix a year later. If I remember correctly, the average rating among Netflix viewers is 3 out of 5 stars.

I’m guessing those who pan it do so for its slow pace, lack of substance, and its arguably pretentious style. Those who like it, perhaps, admire its atmosphere, its creepy tone and the simple visuals of the rooms, stairs, and hallways that create a haunting mood more effectively than a camera obsessed ghost. Though the film does have a ghost, it’s not camera obsessed, but nor is it camera shy. It shows up in the right places, sometimes in the background, sometimes it’s more obvious.

I seem to have devoted more attention to what is good about the film in the previous paragraph than what is not so good. Does this mean I like the movie? Sure I do. But it’s not without its faults.

It’s a simple story, perhaps even a cliché’. A young hospice nurse is to be the live-in caretaker of a retired horror authoress, who is mostly bedridden and suffers from dementia. Iris Blum consistently mistakes Nurse Lily Saylor for “Poly”, who turns out to be the protagonist of Iris’s best-selling novel “The Lady in the Walls.”  Meanwhile, strange things happen to Lily during her stay. Some phantom force rips a phone out of her hands. She hallucinates and sees her arms decay. She hears a thump, thump, thump inside the walls. Due to Iris’s mental state, Lily cannot have a coherent conversation with her, so she cannot turn to her for explanations. All she seems to be able to talk about is “Poly.”  Searching for answers, Lily begins to read “The Lady in the Walls.”

What was it they taught us back in grade school about journalism, the 5 or 6 questions a reporter must ask to get to the meat of the story? I believe it was “who”, “what”, “where”, “when”, “why” and “how.”  Well, this film fails at answering many of these questions. I know, this isn’t a report for the six o’clock news, this is a film, a work of art for Christ’s sake! Still, I believe much of the film’s criticism stems from its unapologetic ambiguity. Quite often, Lily narrates and speaks directly to us, the viewers. But it’s not always her that speaks. Sometimes it’s Poly. Thanks to the subtitles (I watch most films with subtitles) I knew who was speaking. Otherwise, I would have been at a loss.  This is a problem with the “who”.  “What” is this film about?  To go into a deeper examination than what I have already explained is tricky, if not impossible. It’s one of those films that, when it’s all over, might cause someone to say, “What the hell did I just watch?”  See, a problem with the “what”.

The “where” is achieved. A house in New England. This is “where” all the action (and inaction) takes place. There is nothing to be desired outside its premises.  “When” does this film take place?  The film doesn’t explicitly give a time period for the present-day action. But there is a wall phone with a long cord, a rabbit-ears television and a tape deck with cassettes, so one can assume it’s the 80s? Maybe? Then again, the story alternates time periods now and then, sometimes in confusing ways.  Why and how is the house haunted? A vague answer comes from Lily herself as she narrates to us at the beginning of the film:

On ghosts in general

They have stayed to look back for a glimpse of the very last moments of their lives.

 

On ghosts haunting a house

There is nothing that chains them to the places where their bodies have fallen. They are free to go, but still they confine themselves, held in place by their looking. For those who have stayed, their prison is their never seeing. And left all alone, this is how they rot.

That’s about the best answer the film will give. If it’s not satisfactory then the appetite for further knowledge will just have to go unfed.

But, did you notice how awesome those quotes from the movie are?  This is a film that wants to be a novel. Or a poem. There are many more poetically haunting slices of narration. Perhaps the most quoted is the first narrated line of the film:

I have heard myself say that a house with a death in it can never again be bought or sold by the living. It can only be borrowed from the ghosts that have stayed behind.

Beautiful, right?  With the right visuals properly synced to such beautifully haunting words comes a moving experience.  This synchronization happens many times. “And left all alone, this is how they rot”. We see the rot in the mold on the walls, in the mysterious black puncture wounds on Lily’s skin.  “Their prison is their never seeing”  Enter the blindfolded woman, the original doomed occupant of the house.

I-Am-Pretty-Thing-Lives-House

The film moves in dreamlike sequences, nonlinear at times, with metaphors painted over the loose edges. I might be so bold to state that I might have liked this film better if it doubled down on all this. Forget any attempts at a straight story, just move with the words and use the camera to paint the images the words tell us to see.  I am willing to bet the naysayers would only scream a louder “nay” at this suggestion. And who am I to suggest such a thing but a slightly overweight guy in the bowels of his house.  If I had to grade this film on a letter scale, allowing for +’s and –‘s, I’d give it a solid B.  B from the basement.

Hausu (House) – A Crazy Film for Crazy Times

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Hausu5My first post of the new year! We all know that 2020 was a whirlwind of chaos on so many fronts.  Then Dec 31 came and at midnight we all said, “Happy New Year!” and like magic, we reset our lives, wiped the slate clean and WHOOPIE – peace and sanity came knocking at our doors once again. NOT! The chaos continues.

I wanted to watch a movie that was fit for these times. By this I mean, I wanted to see a chaotic yet fun film. I know, 2020 was not fun. It was deadly for many. In film we can escape reality.  We can watch carnage erupt on our screens knowing that it’s all fantasy. I found a film that was capable of providing such an escape while reflecting the wackiness of recent times and its offbeat volatility.  It’s horror gone looney. Terror turned topsy-turvy. And best yet, it doesn’t take this “horror” and “terror” seriously.  Oh there is bloodshed and decapitations, and yet it’s fun, fun, fun. And funny! All this in Nobuhiko Obayashi’s Japanese film Hausu. The English title is House.

Think about the past year. The Pandemic. Shelter-in-place. Lockdowns and the shutting down of public events. Some relief. Covid cases drop. Things reopen. Summer time! Uh oh, cases spiking again. Shutdowns. 

Then there was the social unrest. Protests. Riots.  Things ease. Ahh. Oh wait, here comes some more!  An election year in the United States. Much passion and anger on all sides. 2021 comes along and here comes more social unrest.

My point to all this is that these eleven months have been unpredictable to say the least. Up then down. Up. Down. Turn Around (Please don’t let me touch the ground, tonight I think I’ll walk alone, I’ll find my soul as I go home – sorry, got off track quoting New Order lyrics. But hey, that was “offbeat” of me, like the year.)  Well, Hausu is like that. A scene with a sweet, corny melody of young girls walking, followed by scenes of the bombing of Hiroshima, followed by comedic scenes of a goofball guy doing goofy things, followed by a human-eating piano.  Is that unpredictable enough for ya? Okay, those scenes don’t occur in the order I lay out, but I challenge you to watch the film only once and have a grasp of the order of things. You can’t. It’s not that kind of film.

All you really need to know about the plot is this: a girl invites several of her friends to her aunt’s house for summer vacation. The house is haunted and the aunt is creepy. After this, who cares? Just enjoy the amusement park ride filled with demonic cats, floating heads, severed fingers playing the piano, trippy 1970s-style animation, fountains of blood, dancing skeletons, and psychedelic montages.

It’s hard to describe the film. The Criterion Collection calls it “an episode of Scooby-Doo directed by Mario Bava.”  That’s good. Maybe throw in some Monty Python? Quentin Tarantino (way before his time, but…)? Ahh, here’s a way to relate this to Tarantino. Roger Ebert describes Tarantino in his review of Pulp Fiction as follows:

…he’s in love with every shot- intoxicated with the very act of making a movie.

…Here’s a director who’s been let loose inside the toy store, and wants to play all night.

I imagine Nobuhiko Obayashi used all kinds of film toys to create this film; he must have had a gigantic toy box. If he wasn’t intoxicated with making the movie, certainly his viewers were after watching it. I certainly was. Every technique available in 1977 seems to have found its way into the film. Sometimes these techniques hit all at once, and that can be unnerving to the eyes and ears. Oh well, these sensory devices attached to our bodies do recover and when they do, they will be ready for more!

If Hausu was a rock band, maybe it would be some kind of combination of Rush and King Crimson. Or have you ever heard of Mr. Bungle? Yeah that’s it, Hausu is Mr. Bungle!

I first heard of the existence of this film about a year and a half ago, during calmer, saner times. I’m glad I waited to see it, for insane times welcomes insane tastes. Is that a saying? I don’t know. But the film is “fun insanity.”  And THAT is what is needed. Good ol’ silly insanity over the crap that reality spewed on us over these past many months. Fuck reality. Bring on the surreal. Oh, and this film goes great with a big ol’ fat blunt. 

A Review of the Dream House – A Psychological Thriller

/ danielwalterc / 2 Comments

dream_house_movie_poster_2011_1010713214Dream House. I watched it. And I am shaking my head.  The critical consensus on rottonentomatoes  for Director Jim Sheridan’s 2011 psychological thriller reads, “Dream House is punishingly slow, stuffy, and way too obvious to be scary.” Run time is 83 minutes according to IMDB.com, not a long film by any means, and yet Adam Woodward of the now defunct publication Little White Lies writes that this these not-so-many minutes of viewing time are not only “an utter waste of time” but also a “waste of talent” (quote also from rottentomatoes.com). Truly there is some recognizable talent involved in this film. It stars Daniel Craig,the modern day James Bond. It co stars Naomi Watts,  famous star of both film and television, and Rachel Weisz, who won an Academy Award for her role in The Constant Gardener. Let’s not forget the director. Mr. Sheridan directed such impressive films as My Left Foot and In The Name of the Father. So what in the heck is going on, I mean, at Metacritic.com it rates 35 out of 100. Geez, what a low score!

To repeat – “I am shaking my head.” And  I ask again “What the heck is going on?” I shake my head in disbelief and wonder about those critics because, well, I found the film to be rather enjoyable. It’s not the best thriller out there, nor does it make my top 20 list of favorite haunted house films. But come on, let’s give this flick a break here. It did its job. It thrilled me, it kept me in suspense, it unraveled mysteries that made me think, “Oh wow that was a cool setup!”. The actors performed their parts well. There was some decent direction. Perhaps the basic premise is a bit too familiar – an editor at a publishing house, Will Atenton (Daniel Craig) seeks to escape the busy city life of (New York?) by quitting his job and moving into a “The Dream House” in a quaint town in New England with his charming family to write a book. Libby the wife (Rachel Weisz) is beautiful and their two young daughters are quite the charm. Yes there is a suspicious neighbor across the street (Naomi Watts), and the house has a terrible history. A family was murdered there. We’ve seen this situation before many times, but the story moved in a direction that held my attention.There are secret rooms harboring clues from the past, there appears to be prowlers lurking around the premises, and poor Will can’t escape the scandalous glares from police and other townsfolk. More tropes. But there are surprises. Perhaps the critics don’t like the fact that the film goes from light to dark, only to end on a light note. Once the plot darkens, shouldn’t it stay dark? I guess so. But oh well. In the end it makes sense.

Dream House inspired me to think about one of my favorite subjects – haunted houses. Therefore I have to respect the film for that. These inspirations, I can’t reveal them without revealing major spoilers. And I will do that in the section below. But you have been warned. However you can skip the next section and read the final paragraph of this article, which is spoiler-free!

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When I first subscribed to Netflix, I placed Dream House on “My List,” saving it to watch later. There it stayed, a small picture of the theatrical release poster at the top of my home screen, waiting patiently, hauntingly so. Two little girls; their green patterned dresses blending in with the background wallpaper of the same color and design. Each time I logged in, the girls were there and mostly I ignored them. That doesn’t mean I was oblivious to their calling. For years, through that image, they sang out to me on each of my visits to the Netflix home page. “Come look at us, Danny! We’re waiting for you. Come! Come!” Danny; the most informal version of my name, almost sounds like “Daddy”. But it is really their Daddy that they are calling out to. “Come home Daddy!”  Are these ghostly girls calling out to their father from the grave? In a nutshell, yes. But I am Danny, not their daddy. Close enough though, don’t you think?

For maybe ten years Dream House waited for me. Never to be rotated, never to be removed from Netflix’s menu of films. Perhaps there is no demand for this film on other pay platforms, so its roots burrow deep into this site. Like that one ugly, abandoned house in an otherwise charmed setting of picturesque homes, it remains and isn’t going anywhere. So finally, after failing to find a certain film on another platform that struck my mood at the time, I settled for Netflix and in doing so, I settled once again. Let’s get this over with. To “My List” I went. Into “The Dream House” I did go. 

There were ghosts inside The Dream House; ghosts of Will Atenton’s family. They were waiting for him to come home. And come home he does in the very beginning of the film. Home from “that other place” (You mean the office in the city, where he quit his job? I “sort of” mean that, but things aren’t always what they seem.)  They welcome him warmly. For you see, Will has fond memories of them despite…well, never mind “despite” for now.  Memories can be ghosts, you see. And memories can be forgotten. But they don’t always stay forgotten. Something can trigger them, causing them to flourish again. A house can perform such a triggering, for it harbors these memories, the good as well as the bad. But these are good memories, good ghosts. And they shield poor Will’s mind from the bad ones.

It’s only inside this house that Will sees his family. For that’s where his memories lie. There these memories are embedded into the haunting that will inflict Will. Therefore it’s a haunted house. See how that works out? Never mind that the family that he interacts with might not exist outside of Will’s awareness, or that, perhaps, they only exist on account of his head injury.  That doesn’t strip them of their rightful definition. They are ghosts.

Will is the victim of false impressions brought on by both a head injury and psychological trauma. He thinks that he is abandoning a career at a publishing company to write a book in the company of his family at their Dream House. The dream is threatened when he discovers that some time ago in the same house, a man by the name of Peter Ward murdered his family. Peter was sent to a mental institution and later released. It appears that his killer is back in the neighborhood and stalking them, even trespassing on their premises. As it turns out, Will is Peter Ward. “Will Atenton” never existed; it was an alias Peter created as a defense mechanism so that his conscience will no longer have to suffer the pain of identifying with a killer. In reality, he left the institution (not the publishing house) to return to the abandoned house where he and his family once lived. He thinks his house has remained in its pristine, lived-in state. He thinks his family is still alive. In this situation, ghosts, which are normally thought of as frightful and fanciful entities, protect him for the true horror – reality.

Even though the truth is eventually revealed, things are still not as they seem. Remember what I wrote at the beginning of the article, about how the tone shifts from light to dark then back to light again?  Within this shift comes another revelation. Perhaps this shift betrays the horror of the film, but it is what it is. Also, are these ghosts really restricted to Will/Peter’s unreliable perception? Maybe and maybe not. There is a certain scene where, well, never mind. If you want to watch this movie then I will leave it up to you to look for it.

NO MORE SPOILERS /YOU CAN READ ON IN AN UNSPOILED KIND OF WAY

All in all, I thought this was a slightly above average haunted house film. I’ve seen plenty worse. So I don’t get all the negativity. Oh well. I recommend it. But if you do watch it only to discover that you agree with the preponderance of the critics, don’t sue me. Understood? Great! Bye now. 

Swell by Jill Eisenstadt- Half of a Review

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Swell2Halves. There are a lot of those in the universe, aren’t there? All those half-ass jobs performed by people with half a brain. Then there’s Half and Half, equal parts milk, equal parts cream, or something like that; maybe this is only half true. Styx has a song on their Paradise Theater album called Half Penny, Two-Penny, you might want to check it out. Oh and here in Chicago we have a brewery called Half-Acre. Good beer!

I guess this might turn out to be a half review. Why, you may ask? Because, I only read half the book that is up for review. But I tried to go further. Really I did. When my tablet informed me that I was at the 50% mark, I read on. I made it to 54% and then I just couldn’t proceed any further. As one reviewer on the Amazon page wrote, “Swell, it’s not.” Oh by the way, that is the name of the book – Swell. By Jill Eisenstadt.  But the title of the article should have told you that!

Here’s how I discovered this book. I became interested in the literary brat pack of the 1980s. I read Bret Easton Ellis’s books “Less Than Zero” and “American Psychopath.”  Then I discovered another book by the same author – Lunar Park –  a haunted house novel. Before plunging in, I had learned that not only would the book utilize characters from the two books of his that I had read, but it would also give readers quite the rarity of a protagonist – a fictionalized version of the author himself! Whoopie! I read it, I loved it!   (Read the review here.) 

So I decided, if this worked for one Brat Pack author, maybe it would work for another. Jill Eisenstadt published a novel From Rockaway in 1987, a coming of age tale about teenage lifeguards on Rockaway beach in NYC.  I read it. It was okay. Thirty years later she published Swell (with other books between those years) and just as Lunar Park contained characters from American Psychopath and Less Than Zero, Swell would welcome back characters from From Rockaway and feature a haunted house.  So I went for it. I went back to Rockaway (Swell also takes place on the beach on the Rockaway Peninsula) …and I nearly drowned in the waves of the tedious story. I jumped out of Eisenstadt’s ocean before the tides of the tiresome could drag me even further into the depths of boredom.

Swell has very little to do with a haunted house. The subject is kind of an afterthought, just one of many weird themes. But this isn’t why I dislike the book. I dislike the book because the story doesn’t move. Or maybe it does. It moves in circles, retreading the same ground. It zigzags between the perspectives of several characters but never does it seem to go forward. This is a story about the Glassman family. Sue Glassman agrees to live in a house procured by her father-in-law Sy in exchange for her conversion to Judaism. It is a beach house in Rockaway and is known as the murder house since, long before the Glassman’s moved in, murder was committed on the premises. The former owner of the house, the eccentric and senile Rose shows up uninvited with her caregiver and annoys the hell out of Sue. Their next-door neighbor is Tim (Timmy from From Rockaway) a former firefighter now drivers-ed teacher. He pokes his nose in the story quite a bit. The Glassman’s youngest daughter plays with a ghost that might be a pirate. The teenage daughter is learning to drive from neighbor Tim. She intercourses sexually (“intercourses sexually” – ha ha, I just felt like phrasing it that way!) with the neighbor boy on the other side. Oh and there is a big conversion party coming. Half way through this book and this was all that was happening. Only one or two days of “story time” had passed. 

I suppose some might appreciate the way the different strands of perspectives are sewn together. Others will appreciate the way all of these oddball characters play off each other. To some extent I appreciate this too, but for the love of God, go somewhere with this! I suppose it does go somewhere eventually, but I’ll never see it to the end. This book is supposed to be a comedy. But I forgot to laugh

Well, this is going on a bit long for a “half review”. Perhaps I should have somehow sliced the sentence lines in half horizontally and only displayed the top parts. I didn’t know how to do that. Or I could have indented everything to one side of the screen. Either of those actions would have led to a “half review”. I guess  you’ll just have to settle for “half as long”, meaning, half as long as a typical review. Oh but this is more like two-thirds of a typical review! Oh well. Forgive me. It was a half-assed attempt for which I used half my brain.